Pin It

Source: fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net via Vera V. on Pinterest

There’s something therapeutic in ridding ourselves of things we no longer need. Never is this more obvious than as you pack up your belongings in preparation of a move. If you have had a moving experience anything like ours, you most likely found yourself standing in the middle of a room of “must-haves” of years past asking yourself, “Where did all this junk come from, and why in the world do I still have it?!”

It is incredible just how much we can accumulate. Nine years ago I arrived in America with a single suitcase and a box of bedroom essentials. I was beginning a new life and I didn’t need much other than hopeful ambition. Boy, what an eye-opening experience to be hit with the realization that I have since then somehow acquired a 3 bedroom house filled to the brim! (The word “pack rat” was uttered more than just a few times by my sweet, frustrated husband as we tried in vain to pack it all in a 8x8x16 foot POD.)

Yesterday as I was visiting with a friend, her adorable 3 year-old son caught my eye. I watched him as he walked around the yard picking up seemingly meaningless things, carefully placing them in his pocket while exclaiming his delight. “I found a treasure!” he would squeel in the most adorable way. As his pockets got heavier and heavier, his smile grew bigger and bigger. He was such a happy little collector, proud of his belongings.

I couldn’t help but look at the many “treasures” in front of me and realize that I had done the same thing over the past 9 years. Unfortunately, my pockets had reached their limits and the writing was on the wall: it was time to clean house.

So instead of being swollowed by the mess that I created, I planned a yard sale to get rid of the things that I no longer needed. Truthfully, I question whether I ever truly needed them, but we tend to be sentimental about things, don’t we? It’s especially hard to let go of gifts from loved ones and things that remind us of times gone by. So we carry them around like treasures in our pockets, weighing down our every step. It took a lot to part with some of my memories, but at the end of the day as I looked at the now empty room, I felt a deep sense of satisfaction and relief.

There’s liberation in letting go of things that don’t serve purpose or don’t make our souls come alive. It reminded me of the important of cleaning house from time to time – both physically and emotionally. Though my cleansing process at first seemed purely physical, there is no denying that it also cleansed my soul in some way.

So I want to urge you, friend, if you haven’t done so in a while, take stock of the “treasures” that you carry with you. Maybe you will find, as I did, that they aren’t all good – maybe some of them are heavy burdens that are weighing the pockets of your soul down.

Then take them out of their hiding places and bring them to light. Choose to clean house. It isn’t fun, I know that. When you stand in the thick of your mess and wonder where it all came from and why you’ve been holding on to it, it can be incredibly overwhelming. It gets worse before it gets better. But push through it, friend. When you get to the other side (sometimes accepting the help of caring friends or even a Counselor), you’ll find that you will walk just a little bit lighter again.

Go make your fresh start, friends!
.

Pin It

Pin It

There’s little in this world more powerful than friendship, isn’t there? Elbert Hubbard believed that “a friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” Though it is incredibly liberating to lay your soul bare to someone and to find that they love you anyway, I have learned that friendship doesn’t require such depth to still have profound impact. I’m sure you’ve experienced, as I have, that the kindness of new acquaintances can warm the heart equally.

Just as I started to write this post, my phone rang – a thoughtful coworker inviting me to have dinner with her family this evening. Though we’ve only known each other for about a month, she knew that being without my partner at the moment meant that weekends tend to get very long. But did she have to open her home to me? Absolutely not. So in this and other selfless invitations, she has shown herself to be the kind of friend that I aspire to be.

I’ve been lucky to know many friends whose selflessness and generosity have simply blown me away – mostly because if I’m honest with myself, I’m not certain that I have done the same for them as I should have. I admit ashamedly that once I met my partner, David, it became much more comfortable  for me to stay at home with him instead of making time to visit with friends or do things for others. Never was this more obvious to me than during our recent move. I had several friends who went out of their way to help me pack boxes and visit before our departure.

Who in the world wants to pack boxes when they don’t have to? No-one, that’s who. But that’s exactly the point, isn’t it? REAL friends do the things that they really don’t have to or want to do.

So I have recommitted myself to becoming just the kind of real friend that others deserve. Lately, when I selfishly find myself in a battle of will between what I want to do versus what I know I should do for my friends, I ask myself what those friends would have done in my shoes. (“WWTD?” – the “T” being for my saint of a friend Tiffany.) Now, when someone invites me over for dinner (when they had absolutely no reason to do so), I go. When someone needs help, I show up. When someone leaves a voicemail or writes me a message, I respond. Especially when I have so-called “better” things to do. Because

There really is no better or more important thing to do than to show up for your friends.

The author of the “Carrying Bags blog” (where I found the precious Winnie-the-Pooh picture above) wrote that all people want “is someone next to them, believing in them, supporting their every step, loving them when they fall down, picking them back up when they think they can’t do it, and  holding their hand as they walk through life… just like Pooh does with Piglet.” So think about it, friend. What can you do to be someone’s Pooh this week?

A sweet friend of mine lives by this quote, “Spread love everywhere you go. Let no-one ever come to you without leaving happier” – Mother Teresa. It’s not hard to see this message radiate through all areas of her life. She puts others first in everything that she does, and is consciously teaching her children to be loving, compassionate, and to live their lives with great integrity. “Living your life for others is purely soul food,” she says. And judging by the glow that she brings to any room, I believe her.

So this week, choose to nurture your friendships. Show someone how much you treasure them. Show up in the ways that they need. And work to prove to them that they can be “sure of you” in the way that Piglet became sure of Pooh. As Jon Katz said, “If I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together.”

Whose Pooh will you be, friend?

.

Pin It

Pin It

 
One beautiful spring morning, a farmer and his wife strolled leisurely through their land admiring the colorful buds that brought the promise of new beginnings. The wife noticed a small cocoon hidden on a shaded leaf, with a tiny little caterpillar working tirelessly to break through its confines. Together, the farmer and his wife watched the caterpillar for some time, witnessing him wiggle and push through an impossibly small hole, only to have to retreat back into the cocoon when his attempts failed.

The farmer’s wife started growing anxious that the poor little caterpillar would not be able to break free of the cocoon and that he would eventually die there. “Let’s help him, honey” she urged her husband. “That poor little thing must be exhausted from the struggle!” Eager to please his wife, the farmer responded, “We could very easily help him. We could make the hole bigger so he could wiggle his way free without any trouble.” “Yes! Let’s do that!” the wife responded enthusiastically, nudging to the knife in the farmer’s pocket.

“We could do that,” the farmer said gently, “but that might hurt more than help, my love.” His wife looked up at him with a confused expression. Guided by his deep understanding of nature, the farmer responded, “Do you think it is possible that the caterpillar is not yet able to break free of his shell because it isn’t time yet? We could very easily come to his rescue, my love, but perhaps he still has some growing to do in there. If we let him free of his struggle, his wings might not have developed in full yet, and he might not ever be able to fly like he was intended to.”

“I see,” said the wife, likening the caterpillar’s struggle to her own experiences facing personal challenges. “Sometimes you have to stay present in the struggle even though it is the absolute last place where you want to be.” The farmer had reminded his wife that there is beauty and purpose in each moment, no matter how painful or frustrating the circumstances may seem.

Though it is easy to will moments away, to wish that you could just close your eyes and wake up on the other side of the impossible situation you are facing, it is important that you remember that your life does not begin on the other side. Your life is between this moment and the next. So take a deep breath and return to the moment. Will your focus away from thinking and planning for another time and place, and just focus on the lessons of the now.

This moment is all that you can be sure of, so celebrate it despite its challenges. Choose to stay there for as long as is necessary for you to grow in the ways that you were intended. And when the time is right for you to break free of your challenges, remember that it is near impossible to do so if you keep holding on to the past. You don’t see butterflies dragging their cocoons around, and that is for good reason.

Your true power lies in the now, friend. So breathe out the past, and plant your focus firmly on your now. When it brings you to your future, you will be more ready for it than you could have imagined.

.

Pin It

.
PS – Thank you to my sweet and wise friend Rachel for inspiring this blog post! For more about the importance of staying in the moment, read The Power of Now.

Photo credit: andreyutzu

Pin It

My close friends have heard me say that although I have met some truly wonderful people during my 8 years of living in Mississippi, I didn’t ever feel like I had found “my people.” By this I didn’t mean people who were just like me, nor did I mean people from a specific race, culture, or religion. (Though arguably, commonalities do help in establishing meaningful relationships). Beyond the satisfying relationships I had formed with friends and loved ones, perhaps not much different to you, I longed to be surrounded by people who would make my soul come alive and those who would inspire and challenge me to push towards greatness – particularly with regards to my career.

Please know I’m not saying those kinds of people don’t exist in Mississippi. History is full of stories about those who have been inspired there to do hugely important things. I guess I just didn’t find those who seemed to speak my language until I moved to my new home – a tiny college town in upstate New York. The many conversations I have been involved in here have been nothing short of invigorating and inspiring. Though I’ve worked to push myself to bigger things throughout my life, there is something priceless about being surrounded by living examples of people chasing their fire. I have left such conversations feeling as if I could do absolutely anything.

Finding Your “People”

Knowing how powerful such relationships can be, I want to encourage you to also seek out your own “people.” You will know them by the electricity that they bring to your every day and the way that they excite you about your future. Seek out the people:

• Who seem to “get you” without much effort and despite differences
• Who share your interests and passions, though perhaps not exactly
• Who you enjoy spending hours with engaged in conversation about topics that matter to you, as you hang on their every word
• Who inspire you to greatness through personal examples of both successes and failures overcome
• Who challenge you to push farther, think deeper, and dream bigger than you thought possible

As Amy Poehler said, “Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you, spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life.” I believe that today more than ever before. But what to do if your “people” aren’t readily available to you where you are? Here are a few creative ideas:

• Seek a mentor – at least one person within your professional or personal networks whose work you admire – and build a thoughtful and reciprocal relationships with them.
• Immerse yourself in the autobiographies of others. We can learn a great deal through the stories of those who have gone before us.
• Follow the blogs and vlogs, and read the books of those who inspire you.
• Attend conferences, seminars, and other events where you could meet like-minded people and gain new knowledge or skills that excite you.
• Join a LinkedIn group or add to discussions on a forum focused on shared interests and passions.

If all else fails, consider a change of scenery! Pursue a new job opportunity, go on a vacation, join a sports club, or support a cause. The more you put yourself out there, the greater your chances of building meaningful, inspiring relationships.

Finally, don’t forget to also seek out opportunities to inspire others. You never know, you could be just the kind of “people” that someone else is searching for!
.

Pin It

.
Photo credit: Friendship 2 by Avalore

Pin It

If you’ve been following my recent posts, you will recall that I started a new job this past week in upstate New York after relocating from Mississippi, where I have lived for the past 8 years. You can imagine that taking the leap of faith involved in moving 20+ hours North from our friends and loved ones was rather nerve wracking. But I vowed to follow the advise I’ve been offering on Chasing Your Fire about pursuing your passion and doing the brave thing, so I closed my eyes and prayed for a soft landing on the other side.

Reflecting on this past week, I am thrilled to report that embarking on this adventure is undoubtedly one of the best decisions that I have made in a really, really long time. Again life proved to me how important it is to move beyond your comfort zone. Despite my Southern friends’ warnings about the coldness of “Northern folk,” I have only met absolutely wonderful, genuine people who have welcomed me sincerely and warmly at every opportunity. As I write this, I feel more at home, invigorated, and happy than I have in a long time.

This experience has reminded me how beautiful and wonderfully unpredictable life is. As we close one chapter of our lives (whatever that might look like), a next chapter is always waiting, ready to be discovered. Like a gripping novel, if we keep flipping the pages, we’ll find that so many exciting, wonderful details of our stories are yet to unfold.

So this week I want to pose you with a challenge. There is an activity often used in counseling, called, “My Life As A Book,” that encourages reflection on the past, present and future chapters of our lives. I have included it below because it is so important to allow ourselves time to think about the tough stuff. Happy soul searching, friends!

My Life as A Book

Step 1
Reflect on your life as if it were a book, and decide on an appropriate title for your story.

Step 2
Divide your book (i.e. your life) into chapters, and give each chapter of your life a representative title.

Step 3
Reflect on each of the chapters that you have already lived. List 3 lessons learned through living the experiences in each.

Step 4
Identify 5 characters who play or have played key parts in your life’s book.  (These can be role models, people who have had influence on your life and choices, and other important or otherwise significant people.)

Step 5
Take a moment to imagine what you hope your life’s story to look like 5 years from now, and then 10 years, or even further. Write the names of the chapters that you have yet to live, thinking carefully about those chapters that you feel you must live for your book to be complete.

Step 6
Will you get to live those desired chapters if you continue to live the way you are living presently? If not, list 3 things that you must do (like learning new skills/languages, letting go of counterproductive situations/relationships, making changes in how you spend your time, etc.) to increase the likelihood that you will live the chapters you identified in Step 5.

Step 7
If you were to be contacted by a producer who wants to turn your book into a movie, what would you choose as the theme song? Write down the lyrics of your theme song.

When you have completed these steps, ask yourself whether you see any themes emerging throughout your book. Are there commonalities between past and future chapters? Do you see a pattern in the chapters that you have most enjoyed living? Could you work to somehow incorporate the elements of those chapters in the current and future chapters of your life? Are there recurring challenges (either internally or externally) that should best be addressed before moving on to your next chapter? How will your past chapters influence or inform your future chapters?

Steve Maraboli wrote, “Once you start recognizing the truth of your story, finish the story. You’re still fully equipped with every single tool you need to fulfill your purpose.” Take the time to reflect upon your past, and consider the brave steps that might be needed for the future you dream of to be written into your story. Yes, it is scary! But you know what? You are the author of your own story. If you plan the next chapters of your life carefully and flip those pages thoughtfully, you may just discover a happy ending as your reward.

.

Pin It

Photo credit: kaeska

PS – The “My life as a book” exercise was forwarded to me through a Listserv many years ago without proper citation to give the original author due credit. I have since adapted it. I’ve not had any luck finding the original citation on the internet, so any guidance as to the original author and source is appreciated.

Pin It

To not bog you down with too much reading at one time, I shared the first 4 lessons in the previous post, and this week I’ll share the final 6. Though your experiences might be much different from mine, I believe these to be universal truths to be applied to many different circumstances. I hope you will find them useful.

5. When the going gets tough, get some perspective.

Sometimes when we are in the thick of a struggle it can be all-consuming. Like a horse wearing blinders, we develop tunnel vision, and as we focus on the darkness, we shut out the light. We forget the big picture, along with the many things in our lives that are still going right. So instead, always expand your field of vision beyond the problems that you are facing. Take a step back, and ask yourself: “is it really as bad as I think? Is it possible that I’m focusing in too deep and getting overwhelmed by my emotions?” Remember, your problems are almost always smaller than they seem.

6. Invest in others.

The desire to be happy and feel loved unites us all, so do what you can to bring joy to the lives of those around you. Spend time in your community to help others meet their needs and fulfill their potential. There is incredible reward in knowing that you have done something meaningful for another person, however small. It can also make you forget about the realities of your own circumstance for a few minutes and give you additional, often much-needed, perspective.

7. Remember to reflect on the good. 

Though it might not be immediately obvious, through each day’s sacrifices you are planting seeds that will reap great reward tomorrow – whether those are seeds of friendship, change, and/or purpose. Take a moment to reflect on those small victories, and to keep track of the rewards as they come to you. Start keeping a treasure chest or gratitude journal to help you focus on the good when you need a reminder. There is good to be found in everything.

8. This, too, shall pass.

One thing I know with certainty is that most everything is temporary. Our circumstances change, and pain does pass in time. Though we might not have ever thought it possible, out of the brokenness of life’s biggest struggles come an undeniable sense of renewal and strength. Just think back for a moment on the last thing that happened that completely shattered your world. Now consider where you are today. Not only are you still kicking, but you have proven yourself to be stronger than you could have ever imagined, haven’t you? When we make it through to the other side of a difficult circumstance, we are so much richer, stronger, and wiser than when we first arrived there.

9. Celebrate the people who love you.

Everyday life – whether good times or bad – is so much easier when you have people in your corner who support you. For me it was a huge blessing to realize how much love and support has carried me through the difficult times, as I am sure it will be for you when you take the time to think about it. Though we spend a lot of time “staying connected” with friends on Facebook and other social media, remember that it is a poor substitute for real-life relationship building. So remember to sometimes put down your computer, turn off the television, and go celebrate their presence in your life! Make a phone call, write a thank you note, or throw a party. Because they deserve it.

10. Choose to chase your fire.

When things are tough, it is more important than ever to fight for the life that you desire. Figure out what brings you joy and go do that! Whether it is doing something creative, going fishing, or spending time with friends, invest in yourself. Also consider the big picture for your life. What will be your thing that you share with the world? How will you leave an impact (however small) on those around you? The more you focus on your passion, the more your journey will make sense. You’ll soon realize that all these experiences (both good and bad) are just a part of the big picture that is turning you into the person you were meant to become.

So as as you move forward to new things, do what Joanne Seltzer suggests. ”Enjoy. Breathe deep. Drink to the future but savor the past. Sing an old song. Say a blessing. Celebrate!”

.

Pin It

.

Photo credit: (c) Vera V. Chapman

Pin It

After a fun night of celebration and farewells surrounded by our closest friends, I woke up this morning (my last week in Oxford before our departure to New York) with an incredible sense of gratitude for the many experiences (both good and bad) that we’ve been blessed with in this small little town. Eight years ago I arrived in Oxford carrying a single suitcase, armed with hopeful ambition and a strong South African accent. I was looking forward to making new friends, excited to expand both my knowledge and horizons, and eager to impress those I met.

Unfortunately, this chapter of my life didn’t always read as easily as I had hoped. Though making friends had come pretty naturally to me throughout my life in various contexts, this small Southern town didn’t quite know what to do with me at first. I soon learned that when there is a nail sticking out like a sore thumb, someone is bound to grab a hammer and try to put it in its place. There were definitely a few tough years at the beginning (and even tougher relationships) that I’ve had to work hard to forgive and forget, but as I was enveloped by the friendship and care in the room last night I knew with certainty that it was all worth it.

I thought I’d share with you the 10 most important lessons that I am taking away from this chapter of my life. Many I’ve shared with you over the past year, though some are new. In the interest of space, I’ll share the first 4 lessons this week and the last 6 next Monday. Though your experiences might be much different than mine, I believe these to be universal truths to be applied to many different circumstances. I hope you will find them useful.

1. Everything is not always about you.

When people are being cruel, judgmental, or critical towards you, instead of trying to figure out what is wrong with you to cause others to act so unkindly, remember what Martina Welke said, “People aren’t against you, they’re just for themselves.” Their unkind actions might have absolutely nothing to do with you. The truth is, you know little about their circumstances and what brought them to this moment. Their actions could be all about them – their baggage, their agenda, their perceptions, their pain. Maturing means understanding that you have no control over how others treat you or perceive you, but you do have a choice in how you let it affect you. Don’t hang on to resentment. Instead, choose to forgive.

2. Embrace challenges as opportunities to grow.

Sometimes painful experiences are very similar to a gardener’s pruning process. Those deep cuts allow us to grow stronger and bloom more beautifully because they shape and revitalize us. Always choose to grow taller and stronger despite circumstance, because it is when you bloom – when you are your very best self despite the pain – that you will reveal your true beauty to others in ways that break down misperceptions, stereotypes, and judgments. Without even realizing, you will be inspiring those around you to also bloom where they are planted. So embrace your pruning!

3. Celebrate what makes you unique.

Love yourself first. Take “me time” regularly to break away from the noise and to self-reflect. Be still. Listen. Think. Journal. When we understand more about who we are, how we relate to the world, what kinds of activities make us come alive, and which kinds of environments best suit us, we feel validated, empowered, and special. We naturally start embracing and celebrating the things that make us unique instead of apologizing for them. It also helps us to make better choices for ourselves moving forward. So be yourself, bravely.

4. Work to be your best self.

Invest in yourself, because you are worth it. As long as you are hiding the parts of yourself that make you extraordinary, you are sabotaging your own happiness – not to mention that trying to be something you are not (a second rate version of yourself) is completely and utterly exhausting. Instead, view yourself as a work in progress and learn from your mistakes. By working to be your best self, you will soon attract people into your life who share your values and interests. That’s a recipe for relationship success if I’ve ever heard one.

Well there you have the first 4 of the ten lessons that I’ve learned the hard way. Part 2 will focus on lessons about seeking perspective, celebrating others, and pursuing your passion. Make sure to check back next Monday!

What lessons have you learned, friend? Please share your wisdom in the comment section below!

.

Pin It

.

Photo credit: diabeticconect.com

Pin It

I’ve always been a firm believer that comfort is overrated. I blame my parents for that, because they showed me at an early age that so much good can come from doing the hard thing. You see, as a child, our family moved around a lot for my dad’s work. I went to several different schools, each time getting uprooted and transplanted somewhere new. Though there were times that I cried for old friends and dreaded that first day of being the new kid on the block, it was mostly overshadowed by a sense of excitement in not knowing what would come next.

I am so thankful to my parents for teaching me to embrace the unpredictable. It was those experiences that eventually led my fearless 20-something self to leave South Africa in pursuit of an education in America. Sometimes I still can’t believe that I chose (seemingly without hesitation) to literally leave everything and every single person that I knew behind in search of adventure.

I often say that I was a lot braver when I was younger. Now, just about a decade later, I’ve become a bit more cautious in the face of adventure. I’ve asked myself whether it is because I am now grown up with more responsibilities, or whether I am just too darn comfortable where I am. It might be a little bit of both. Let’s be honest, it sure does feel all warm and fuzzy when you know what to expect from each day. And it sure is nice not to have to worry about too much, and to just keep trucking along the same road, doing the same thing.

It’s a common desire to create for ourselves a cocoon of comfort. Outside of that warm, protective casing, it can seem like a big and scary world. As we consider taking a peak outside we tell ourselves stories of what dangers might be lurking there, and so we retreat back to the familiar once more. The result is that many of us choose never to break free of our little nests. For my husband and I, that  has been a little college town called Oxford, Mississippi – a place we’ve called home for 8 years. 

But here’s the problem. Comfort can be crippling. Wrapped up in our cocoons, we get set in our ways, we stop growing (or at least slow down), and even worse, we stop dreaming big. What would happen if butterflies decided to never leave their nests, and if they stayed inside those all-too-familiar cocoons for too long? They would run out of the things they need – room to grow, for one thing. Most importantly, if butterflies never did the brave thing and broke free of their cocoons, they would never know that they had wings, would they?

I saw this awesome picture on Pinterest the other day that illustrates this idea well:

Pin It

For us to really know what we are made of, we must break free of our comfort zones and experience the unexpected. We must take risks, embark on adventures, and do the things that scare us. Because it is in these experiences that we grow in unimaginable ways, that our imaginations get stretched in new directions, and that seeds are planted for new interests and passions. In breaking free from our cocoons we let the light touch our skin and the breeze carry us forward.

So that is exactly what my husband and I have decided to do. In two short weeks, we will begin a new adventure in an even smaller town in upstate New York. We will go from 100-degrees-and-muggy summers to a place where it snows 6 months out of the year. No, we have absolutely no idea what we are doing, and no, we have no guarantees about how all of this is going to work out. But you know what? We can feel the magic happening already.

I hope you will follow our lead and do something brave. It doesn’t have to be to move across the country or even the world. Maybe it is just asking that certain someone out on a date, taking a trip somewhere off the beaten path, or learning to do something new. Whatever that looks like for you, just do something to let the magic happen.

I know it is scary when you don’t know what comes next, but remember that you don’t have to have it all figured out just yet. As David Viscott explained in his book, Risking:

No one can make you change. No one can stop you from changing. No one really knows how you must change. Not even you. Not until you start.

So just take a leap of faith, friend! Hold your breath and close your eyes if you have to. Just jump! Who knows, maybe you’ll hear the flutter of wings.

.

Pin It

Pin It

This week I had to take a long hard look in the mirror. Without realizing it, I had grown so resentful of someone whom I once called a friend, that I couldn’t be in this person’s company or see pictures of them on my newsfeed without the bitter ooze of hatred burning in the depths of my soul. Somehow, in the midst of the harsh realities of a relationship gone bad, I had grown so angry that I couldn’t bear to see the happiness of a person who had caused me such relentless, seemingly unnecessary pain.

It had happened so slowly over time that I found myself suddenly surprised by what my feelings for this person had become.  I was also taken aback by what I had become in the process – someone I didn’t know or like very much to be honest. Suddenly I understood the truth in Shannon Adler’s statement, “Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others-- it only changes yours.”

It became clear to me that I had to do something about the bitterness in my heart because I couldn’t allow it to keep growing. And as this is a place where I share the lessons I have often learned the hard way, I thought my (very humbling) epiphany worth sharing with those of you who also find yourself living through the aftermath of a hurtful relationship.

Here are five things to remember when trying to overcome resentment:

1. It takes a lot of energy to be angry and resentful

Hanging on to the past and feelings of anger can suck the life right out of you. Elizabeth Gilbert said, “As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.” It is like a slow poison that creeps through your life, taking over the good parts of you. And you know what else? Pretending that you are not angry when you really are is even more exhausting. The healthier thing to do is to release your bitterness and anger in exchange for things that bring you joy. This exercise will be a great first step for you in this process.

2. Only you can take responsibility for positive change

You might think to yourself, “If only he would just apologize for what he did,” or “If only she would just stop being so hateful!” Though these actions on their part might bring you some relief, in most instances, you have absolutely no control over the actions of others. They are going to do as they please and keep being who they are, just as you must choose to return to your best self. You are the only person who you can count on to bring change, so get started.

3. It takes two to tango

It is important to recognize that there are two parties in any relationship. Whether the relationship is functional or dysfunctional, both people take part in the dance. I know it is much easier to point the finger the other way (especially when you are hurting), but when you are truly honest with yourself it is often not as simple as that. So consider what your role might have been in bringing the relationship (or lack thereof) to this point. It might be as simple as something left unsaid, or maybe more complicated like something that can’t be undone. Whatever it is, recognizing that you played a part in your own pain and subsequent resentment is the first step to freeing yourself from it. Also learn from your mistakes moving forward in other relationships.

4. Seeking forgiveness is freeing

If you find that you did something to hurt the other person, it will be important for you to seek forgiveness. Though it might seem like the scariest thing in the world, an apology can break down barriers between people like little else can. It is the HARDEST thing to do, but the best thing. If you don’t have the courage to do it in person, consider writing a note or doing something creative. And if you are a person of faith, remember to also seek forgiveness from your God and ask for guidance in your healing.

5. Everything is not always about you

When you are already sensitive to the actions of another person (having been hurt by them before), it is possible that you will read much more into what they do or say than what is actually there. You might take things a lot more personally and perhaps even think that he or she has deliberately gone out of their way to take yet another stab at you. This is a good time to remember that everything is not always about you. Is it possible that the latest “incident” is just a result of this person having a bad day?  The truth is that you never know the realities of what others might be facing. So as you work to move on from the pain, throw away the score board and try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions.

Choose daily to focus on the things that bring you joy and release the things that pull you back into the pain. As Steve Maraboli said, “Let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghost of yesterday.” I have taken this pledge, and I hope you will too.

Always look for the goodness, friend.

.

Pin It

Photo credit: b_heyer

Pin It

Life has a way of doing that. You know, not quite working out as we had planned. Sometimes we look at the broken pieces of ourselves and wonder how we will ever get put back together again. Life just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense most of the time, because despite our best efforts at controlling everything around us, life is frustratingly unpredictable. It happens, with or without our permission.

One thing I’ve learned, as I’m sure you have, is that pain does pass in time. Though we might not have ever thought it possible, out of the brokenness of life’s biggest disasters come an undeniable sense of renewal and strength. Think back for a moment on the last thing that happened that completely shattered your world. Now consider where you are today. Not only are you still kicking, but you have proven yourself to be stronger than you could have ever imagined, haven’t you?

You might know from past posts that I quite enjoy creating mosaics – pictures and patterns arranged from broken pieces of tile, stone, glass, mirror, and other objects. What fuels my love for this craft is in part the reassurance that something incredibly beautiful can come from something once broken and seemingly worthless. An old plate destined for the trash can be repurposed into a magnificent artwork, or an old broken mirror can become the vehicle for light to dance joyfully in a once somber room.

My friend, despite the many times that you and I have been broken, our pieces have been repurposed and rearranged into something even more beautiful than we could have ever intended for ourselves.  As renowned Indian Guru Śri Sathya Sai Baba once wrote,

Life is a mosaic of pleasure and pain – grief is an interval between two moments of joy. Peace is the interlude between two wars. You have no rose without a thorn; the diligent picker will avoid the pricks and gather the flower. There is no bee without the sting; cleverness consists in gathering the honey nevertheless.

As you chase your fire, life will continue to happen – sometimes in ways that you’d rather avoid. If by some chain of events you find yourself in a proverbial puddle on the floor, remember that your brokenness is only temporary. Your pain will soon weave itself into the beautifully intricate pattern of your life – the very pattern that makes you the magnificent creation that you are. And in the reflection of those broken pieces, you will bring light, joy, and hope to those around you.

Celebrate the journey, friends.

.

Pin It

.

Photo credit: Mosaic and photo by Vera V. Chapman (c)